“Some of us think holding on makes us strong, but sometimes it is letting go.” ~ Herman Hesse
Letting go can be a daunting task. There are many obstacles that hinder you from letting go. When you have finally reached the point of enough, many times those obstacles becomes obsolete. It is typically about, “how do I move on?”
The question I hear the most is, “How do I let go?”
Now in the past, (which is the old me) I would have said, move on to the next. (Do not judge me!) Let’s keep it real, we have all had that mindset and some still do. It is not for me to pass judgement, do you!
Today, my views have changed. I do believe with faith, time, and reflection that letting go of someone that no longer serves a purpose in your life is about knowing your worth. In knowing where you are today in your life puts things in a different perspective than from past experiences. Hopefully, at the stage you are in your life, disassociating yourself with the negativity and bullshit is where your mind frame is. Until you get to this point in your life, you will not be able to truly let go.
Just the other day, I was talking to a younger co-worker and her boyfriend is in the Navy. He broke up with her over the phone and then had the nerve to tell her, she would like his new girlfriend. So, me being me, I said, “He said what?” “Really?” Poor thing, her heart is truly broken and my heart goes out to her. Now, as I stated in the past I would have said, girl, move on to the next but apparently, she already had that mind frame from previous relationships. Today, with my new found maturity and level headedness, I told her not to take that route and work on herself. I did tell her since it was not his first time doing this to her that she should cut off all ties. Block his number. I was so proud of myself. You know sometimes, we are put in situations to help others but we must share wisdom through experiences we once experienced.
With that said, here are some steps I shared with her that in my opinion will help her with time to let go and move on. Hopefully, these steps will benefit you as well:
1. Accept what it is, then let go – Accept the reality not what it could’ve been but what it actually is. All too often we are hooked on our fantasy but accept what the reality of the situation. Accept that the relationship is over. You cannot make a person love or want to be with you. Do not lose your self-dignity in harassing this person to be with you. If it is meant to be later on in life, then it will be. Deal with that when the time comes. For now, accept what is and move on.
2. Take the time to process the hurt – Never dismiss the feelings you are experiencing. You are human and these feelings are normal when involved in a relationship. If you need to have a snot blowing hysterical cry, then have it. Allow yourself the time to grieve the loss of the relationship. Remember you are human and these feelings are normal. Allow yourself a few days. But when the time is up, IT’s UP! Have your relationship funeral or pity party, then GET UP! The relationship is dead but you are not. Dust yourself off!
3. Never try to remain friends – In my opinion, I would never try to remain friends in the beginning with an ex if the feelings were not mutual. Right now you cannot be friends without emotional ties. Be friends with yourself for now! Later down the road after you have dealt with your emotional feelings then decide what is in your best interest. Never let anyone press you to maintain a friendship. You are entitle to your own time and space. So, use it!
4. Cut the sex off – Again I state, cut the sex off! Yes, you are familiar. Yes, it may be great! But, it is counterproductive. Every time you have sex you rip the scabs off the emotional wounds. Trying to go back every now and then for a romantic rendezvous will not work. And, let’s be real about it if the relationship is over, it’s over. A one or two night booty call will not bring the relationship back.
5. Focus on yourself – There may have been something you have neglected in your life for this relationship. If so, start back reconnecting with family and friends. We all tend to slack off of these habits when we are in a relationships. Sometimes it’s normal and sometimes it isn’t. Reflect on something you use to love that you stopped doing. Learn to love yourself again. Do things you once enjoyed. Work on you! Get a hobby or start a new project.
6. Purge – Stop reminiscing on what was. Put away all pictures or anything that will remind you of that person. That watch, purse, shoes or anything that will remind you of what was. You cannot and will not be able to move on if these items are still visible to you when you are going through this process. LET IT GO!
7. Don’t jump into a relationship – Take time to heal. Jumping into another relationship will only cause more trouble. You could be jumping from the frying pan into the skillet. When the time is right and after you have dealt with these unresolved feelings, you will have a better feel for the next relationship. You will now understand what you need and want in terms of a healthier relationship.
Making the decision to move on from a toxic relationship you have been dealing with for a long time, takes time. In most cases, if you were really involved, loved this person, and thought that this was one, the process of healing will be more challenging. None the less, it is doable and can happen. It is all about “How do I do it?”
Taking the time to reflect on the relationship to understand what may have gone wrong on your part will help you better yourself. We all play a part in a relationship and are not always innocent. Accept your faults in the failed relationship and learn from them so you do not make the same mistakes again. So there is always improvement on our part regardless of the outcome in a relationship.
Once you have evaluated the process, reflected and thought about it in its entirety, you never know this could be a new beginning for something far better in your life.
What steps have you taken to let go of relationships in the past?